no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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