Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
im about as happy as oj after his trial
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Randomize
