Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
