I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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