You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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