My hand turned me down
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
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