you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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