how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
do herpes really smell.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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