I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
