6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
