i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
