My first STD was from a foam party
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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