I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
