It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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