Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
