i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
