Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
