I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
