Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
