dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
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you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
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Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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