So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
