My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
