Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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