Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
