This dress was meant to end up on your floor
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
