Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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