My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
