i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
