Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
