This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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