i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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