i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
