I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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