If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
