You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
