Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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