mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
