i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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