sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
