No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
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dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
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