You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
