im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
