so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
