you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
