I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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