Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
