break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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