you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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