Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
