The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
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