you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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