Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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