john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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