I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
