oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
