She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
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It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
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Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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