I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
