I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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